Alchemy and Rebirth
“It comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.”-Andy Dusfresn- Shawshank Redemption. Poetry and reflection on the art of transmutation.
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.”
―Carl Jung
Where does one begin to bare their soul to the world?
What to share, what not to share? What will people think? Why would anyone care?
I’ve held back on sharing my voice for some time now. Every creator has their fears and insecurities, just every human being does. I´ve made every excuse, I don’t have time, now is not the time, it’s not ready yet, it’s not perfect, and people won't like it. I don’t know where to start to share my story but we all have to start somewhere and it will unfold as it needs to.
I have always been fascinated by the myth of the hero’s journey and the necessity of the quest to the underworld. We live in a world of constant pleasure and distraction, making us dumb, docile and distracted. We are led to believe that if we don’t feel satisfied within the meaningless rat race there is something wrong with us and that suffering should be avoided at all costs. Shut up, take your pills and go back to work! The idea of having the time and space to actually sit with our pain seems absurd and masochistic. We want quick fixes and instant gratification, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain and of course, it is only natural, who wants to feel pain?
It’s so easy to remain in our comfort zones. That is until our comfort zones become all too uncomfortable, they become unbearable. The comfortable job, the acceptable apartment, and the okay relationship become the golden cage which keeps us from taking that leap of faith.
For too long I´ve been lying to myself, I became complacent, reading and learning about the journey to the underworld, yet not willing to share my own story. It’s too dark, I have been told. And so, I stayed far too long silent. But the price of silence will cost you your soul and in today’s world of censorship and cancel culture, it has never been more important that we use our voices while we still have them.
The price I paid by ignoring my call to adventure is that I find myself in the depths of what I can only describe as the dark night of the soul. I had been lying to myself for too long and had self-abandoned in the process. Until one day I decided I wanted the truth and with five little words I felt the earth ripped out from underneath me.
“I don’t love you anymore”
Admittedly, it was long overdue, chaos has a way of destabilizing order and the unconscious will not remain conscious for very long.
I’d love to tell you it’s been ups and downs but in truth, at best, it’s been stable moments and less stable moments. I wake up, from the nightmares, if I have managed to sleep. Another day. I’m still here. Try to eat, try to move, play some music, and go outside, to see people. Try to feel something. And return back to bed at night pleading with the divine to come back to me. God, why have you abandoned me?
I accept this because I have been here before. I’ve spent a large portion of my life navigating through the fiery infernos of my mind. There is almost a strange, comfortable familiarity in this dark realm at this point.
But if I have learned nothing else it’s that the universe is a divine paradox. You cannot have love without pain, order without chaos, life without death and so on. I have learned that the alchemy of the psyche is a very real phenomenon and for me to be able to transmute this darkness, I must surrender to it and transmute it the only way I know how, through creativity.
What gives me hope in life is that I know that when we reach the underworld and all that is not true is burned away we begin to rise from the ashes, reborn, never the same but something new. Something better. Although in these times it can feel like it will never end, like life is meaningless, I still remember that life is beautiful. Life is magical. And though I may feel alone I know I am connected to a power much greater than myself, an invisible force which is guiding me on my path.
In life, as we grow and change we have to be willing to die to the past over and over and over again. In times like these, it feels like a cruel game of which there is no escape. But feeling loss and the death of yourself can either destroy you or it can break open your heart and allow yourself to be reborn. Life continues and time waits for no one. And I am tired of wasting time.
The following is a poem I once wrote about psycho-spiritual rebirth and some reflections on the alchemy of the psyche. I wrote this poem at a time when I had never felt more alive. In truth, it was the first time I had ever felt truly proud of myself, of all that I had overcome. I felt finally ready to fly from my golden cage and to be proud of myself. I had shared it online with the accompanying photo because a part of my transmutation process was finally feeling comfortable with my body, with sensuality, with my womanhood. And, ironically, I decided to take it down because I was told it was too provocative. I see now how foolish that was and I refuse to censor or silence myself for anyone anymore. Because each time we do not share our light the world becomes a little bit darker.
I hope you enjoy it.
Rebirth Revival
Rebirth
Revival
Life is more than just
Survival
Floating in the infinite abyss
I found myself in the emptiness
I felt myself as the seed of creation
And within me the seed of the next generation
And all the pain
And every sorrow
Slipped away to another tomorrow
Because now I am here
And I have only this
The infinitive bliss
Available in every moment
And tears fill my eyes
And I wonder why
It is I
That has been so blessed
To have this opening in my chest
That blossoming
That told me
That I deserve to be
I have a right to exist
To be here
To find this moment
This creativity
This unfolding to eternity
And I am not what has happened to me
nor all that has come before me
And yet I am
I am everything
That has been and gone
And the potential of what’s to come
But only now
I am this
And I am blessed
To have lived through pain
Through sorrow
Through every time
I felt I cannot face tomorrow
Let alone today
Yet here I lay
Wrapped in awe and wonder
And never again will I wonder
If there exists
A divine order to all of this
Because there I lay
Floating in eternity
For just a moment in one day
And I decided to stay
Because the me that sees
The one who observes
Has always been here
And in infinity, you have time to learn
That everything that we perceive
Is but a glitch in eternity
But the me that lays and floats and breathes
Will be here for infinity
Floating in the bliss of divinity